I haven’t always been this way, I haven’t always been this happy/blissful/awake.
Only a few years ago, I was going through massive limiting beliefs and self worth issues. I woke up every morning with anxiety, having several panic attacks a week and felt fully lost. I did not know what my next step was.
No one would have known, on the surface, I was the girl who was always smiling. I was going through the motions of life, doing what was expected of me and what I thought was normal. In reality, I didn’t know who I was. I was a University graduate following the status quo… it was the only identity I knew. I lived in my fear and my anxiety. I created this idea that things were better if I did them alone. I wasn’t going to be a burden… I was going to figure it out on my own. That’s what strong independent women do, right?
Eventually, the universe just listened to my “manifestations” and left me alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my emotions … and this is where it led me.
I just remember being on the ground in a ball, breathing heavily, and crying. I could barely breathe, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see, and I didn’t even know in where in the house I was.
It was happening again, I was forgetting who I was, where I was and why I was even fighting for my dreams. How long would this last? This feeling of hopelessness, defeat and failure. My heart rate was so high, I could feel it in my ears… I just had another panic attack it was the second one today, what was I supposed to do about it? I had already called my best friends today to help with the one I had this morning and I didn’t want to scare my mom. My roommate was trying to avoid being home because she didn’t know how to help me. She didn’t know what to say to make it go away, she had known me for over 15 years.
Who had I become? Who was this girl that couldn’t even stand up straight? This girl that was so afraid of life? I remember a time when I didn’t have any obligations, I was in varsity sports, art club and going to parties. I loved life, I loved being on my own and I loved doing things on my own… what happened to her? What happened to the jovial, positive, joi de vivre girl? I would do anything to be that girl again. I’m siting on the couch, and I need to do something to feel whole again. I don’t want to be a strong independent woman anymore, I don’t want to go through life alone. Why had the universe abandoned me? Why didn’t it help me get through this?
It was my own thoughts and wishes that wished her away. If I didn’t need or accept her help, why would she stick around… why would she fight for me when I wasn’t fighting for myself. Afterall you summon your reality with your thoughts. The universe tried telling me that this was not the route to take. Of course, I didn’t listen... In fact, the anxiety attacks got so loud, I was finally forced to listen to her for my own well-being. I realised that my fears were dictating the outcomes of my life…
That’s not who I wanted to be so I changed it, through a variety of healthy life changes including yoga and holistic lifestyle practices, spirituality, crystals, moon cycles, good books... I began healing myself.
I want to help you do the same. I want to guide you in creating your own story one that stems from deep inside your soul, the story that is screaming to be heard.